When will it ever stop?

If you are reading this post, you have most likely read some of my other blogs. My most recent post was a story and song of apology to my readers for the long absence of adding new material to my blog. I vowed that I had changed my ways, that I no longer would leave you with nothing to read. That, and this promise.... (and I quote) from my blog on August 27th 2009, ".....don't worry. I am back".

If you don't know, (and you really should) it is November 18th. Eighty one days since I so eloquently promised to be diligent to writing in my blog. Truth is, it's depressing that it has been so long. But what really hits me in the gut is that just when I had determined to change, to repent of my wicked non-writing ways, I went and did something like this. In the midst of my triumphant decision to press forward I once again fell flat on my face. I broke my promise, and then broke my promise to not break promises. It feels awful. Unfortunately, this feeling is no stranger to me.

One of the most difficult struggles in my life as a Christian is that as the years add up, so do my broken promises of change and repentance to God. The story goes like this; I fall into temptation and sin. I feel deep guilt and remorse and repent to my Savior, promising to change. Then I do it again. This time, I find it harder to repent. Harder to be forgiven. Harder to pray. The difficulty lies in the fact that each time I trip over the same sin and ask forgiveness, I can't imagine a God who would want to forgive me. Or trust me. Or love me. "I've prayed for forgiveness so many times, I don't deserve to be forgiven" is often my thought. The feeling of being a disgrace to God has driven me away from God at times, and if you were honest I would imagine that you've experienced the same scenario. It reminds me of a story I once heard.

Along a strip of highway laid a small town of a couple hundred people called Shelton. Although Shelton was a quiet community, the highway that ran through the middle of it brought not only traffic, but traffic at a high speed. You see the speed limit that preceded the town was 55 mph. However, once you reached the outer limits of the town, the speed dropped to 30 mph. In this town there was only one police officer. His name was Ron. He was a volunteer. This story is about Ron.

On Monday in the town of Shelton, Ron was parked on the side of the road in his squad car when a car went whizzing by him at speed of at least 70mph. Ron quickly pulled onto the road, turned on his lights and pulled over the speeding car.

MONDAY
"Hi there. You in a hurry?" said Ron.
"Sorry officer." said Jed, the driver. "I am running late".
"I understand, but for your safety and the safety of others you really should drive the speed limit." said Ron.
"So, does this mean I get a warning?" said Jed.
"No, I am afraid not." said Ron. "However, You are in luck. Your fine is $310 today. But I am going to pay that in full for you."
"Is this a joke?" said Jed.
"No, not a joke. I actually pay for everyone's fines. It's my gift to you." said Ron.
"Well, I won't argue with that, thank you!" said Jed.
"Now drive safe." said Ron.
"I will, I promise." said Jed.

TUESDAY
"Well imagine this. It's you again!" said Ron, after pulling Jed over for the second time just a day later.

"Sorry Ron." said Jed, the driver. "I wasn't paying attention".
"I understand, but you know what is coming next?" said Ron.
" I imagine this time I will have to pay the fine?" said Jed.
"No, I will take care of it" said Ron. "I will always take care of it."
"How can you afford to pay for everyone's fine" said Jed.
"Well, everything I do and everything I have is about taking care of peoples fines" said Ron.
"Well, now I feel bad" said Jed.
"OK, then do me a favor and drive safe, OK?" said Ron.
"I will, I promise this time." said Jed.

WEDNESDAY
"Hi Jed." said Ron, after pulling Jed over for the third time in 3 days.

"I can't believe it happened again!" said Jed, the driver. " I am so sorry Ron, please don't pay for my fine, let me pay for it!".
"It's already been paid for." said Ron.
" How can you keep paying my fines when I don't deserve it?" said Jed. "I obviously haven't changed and there is no way I deserve your sacrifice?"
"True, very true" said Ron. " But that is grace. "
"What is grace?" asked Jed.
"Well grace is showing favor to someone, even when they don't deserve it" said Ron.
"Well, as much as grace helps me, I can't accept it" said Jed.
"I understand it is hard to accept." said Ron. "But, to truly show gratitude to me would mean to allow me to take care of your fine. That is my gift. Will you let me give it?"
"OK" said Jed. "But I will NEVER speed again!"
"Well, that is a very good goal for you to have." said Ron. "But even when you do, I am always going to pay your fine. Always."


So, I ask myself. When will it ever stop? When will the need for grace ever stop? The answer.... it won't. We will never come to a point in life when we stop needing grace. Whether we deserve it or not ( and we definetely don't), Jesus forgives our sins, loves us the same, accepts us as we are, and never remembers our dirtiness. So today, if you find yourself having a hard time letting Jesus forgive you because of your inability to change, know this; Jesus loves you. And, he loves to forgive the broken hearted, the sinner, the failure. He loves to offer forgiveness. Take it, love Him, and know that nothing can ever separate you from the love of your Heavenly Father.